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Elbow

10 Myths About Marriage

1. Married people are less likely to catch fire.
2. Marriage is still a crime in 13 states.
3. If you get married, you will get some free cheese from people you don’t know.
4. Married people are exempt from federal daytime TV consumption quotas.
5. There is no word in Russian for ‘Marriage.’
6. If you were married in any of the New England states between 1987 and 1998, you have to do it again because it didn’t count the first time.
7. Yoga and Marriage were both nominated for the Nobel peace price but lost to Glenn Beck through what many people agree was a faulty audit process.
8. Technically, the Pope is married to a 2 foot block of stone kept in the Vatican Library. The reasons for this are unclear but doctrinally sound.
9. Walruses marry for love, dugongs marry for money.
10. Married people are more likely to have cats.
11. Marriage makes you taller.
12. Conversely, taller people are more likely to stay married when marrying tiny little people.
13. The longest confirmed marriage on record is between Ingra Sollovitzin, the Giantess of Vilna, and Itsy Monkshood, the Cornish Mite. 97 years, 11 feet 4 inches total of aged passion and still going strong.
14. If you’re angry when you get married, it’ll last longer.
15. If you’re hungry when you get married, chances are you will cheat on your taxes the first time you file as a couple.
16. Marriages made in anger, on the whole, outlast marriages made in Texas.
17. Gunplay at weddings is a sign that children will quickly follow.
18. Romans gave two candles to a newly married couple. One to light the way to joy, the other for the wife to jam into her sleeping husband’s ass when he got difficult.
19. Couples with the same vowel/consonant ratio in their names tend to stay together longer or to divorce quickly.
20. In Soviet Russia, State marries you.
21. Man hands, warm heart.
22. In ancient Latervia, each newlywed would remove a portion of flesh from themselves and offer it to their spouse for an act of token ritual cannibalism
23. Marriage does not lead to cannibalism.
24. Marriage is a ‘gateway’ arrangement, which usually leads to more unnatural, even more improbable personal interaction.
25. In Idaho, if you get married at a zoo, an ape is allowed to officiate but it must be one of the great apes and not a lesser ape or a monkey. Unless it’s a gay marriage in which case, you can sub in a marmoset.
26. Marriage leads to cancer.
27. Married people have more ‘hair down there’ than unmarried people.
28. Marriage makes you a better speller!
29. Marry me once, shame on me. Marry me twice, shame on you!
30. None of the Beatles was ever married to any of other Beatle.
31. The Lutheran church allows a no questions asked annulment to plane crash survivors. If you are an unmarried plane crash survivor, they give you a rain check.
32. Most writers’ guilds do no allow married people to edit each other’s work.
33. Thomas Edison was wed, briefly, to Nikolai Tesla and then, even more briefly to Angus Young, as part of their settlement in the AC/DC controversy.
34. Schubert’s Trout Quintet is an allegory about marriage.
35. Most bowling alleys give a discount to married bowlers but you have to ask AND you can’t share a lane.
36. The institution of marriage is the cornerstone of American Society. Without marriage as we know it, America would wither away into global insignificance.

Comments

don't think i could do it.

Because of 23?

Hey, how've you been? Winter is here early this year.